Leave it at the Dome

[torontois]

A small list of people, activities, attitudes, phenomena, or actions that could remain sealed Under the Dome and not travel with the Argonauts to the Dead Zone.

1. Mindless rhythm tracks - whether it's a drum line, crowd pump up, between play bridge sounds, or the aural dirt of Everybody Clap Your Hands.
2. The overproduction of the football event - the entertainment is the game, not the tightly scheduled, sponsor-driven nonsense served up by -
3. Strizzy and Jackie - I know that people need jobs, and that sports event MC and sports event director somehow qualify under that definition, but please take your cordless mic and clipboard to another place forever.
4. Kiss Cam - No one would want to see you cramming food into your pie hole on a giant high definition stadium screen. The same for playing tongue hockey with your seatmate. The Kiss Cam is a coercive, ageist, homophobic atrocity that Strizzy supplies with the exact same patter. Stop it. It's 2015, as someone just mentioned this week. Or better yet, I'll stop it with an email to whatever sponsor is stupid enough to pay for it. Which is exactly what happened when Mill Street was stupid enough to take the buy on the Beer Belly Cam at a Toronto Rock game last winter. One game, one email. Over.
5. Opposing team entrance disrespect - yeah that's hilarious that a Celine Dion song plays when the Alouettes run onto the field, or some stodgy dreck from the 1960's like, 'What's New Pussycat'? for the Ti Cats.
6. Anthem butchery - did you hear that children's chorus sing the anthem on Friday November 6th? They did it in time, in key, and with dignity. Can we have a recording of that played from now on? Please, no more rejects from 'The Voice'.
7. Half-time entertainment -see number 2 - the sports game of three down football is the entertainment. I do not ever see a football play unfold when I'm at the Phoenix, Opera House, or the Music Hall. Half-time is get up and walk the concourse before phlebitis sets in.
8. All classic rock.
9. All novelty songs.
10. Any piece of music recorded prior to January 1 2005. Did you go to games in the 1970's? Did you ever hear swing band music from 30 years earlier? You did not.
11. Gary Glitter's 'Rock and Roll (Part One) - stop performing rights money from ever going to this person. Look his name up, if you dare.
12. Food and drink selection and pricing griping. There is nothing in a stadium that you should pick up and put in your mouth. You don't know where it's been. Just because it's in a container and costs $32.50 does not mean it is consumable by humans. If you need to eat and drink, you will need to do so at home or at one of the 20,000 food outlets in the surrounding streets of Toronto.
13. Video mash ups - just embarrassing. It looks like what people on the far side of 50 would think clever to mate with a soundtrack. There are 400 billion web sites that do it better. Put up the weather forecast on the video board instead. It's the 3:00 minute warning, and we're fairly cranky.
14. Piddly 50 / 50 prizes. Edmonton, Calgary, and Saskatchewan show the dizzying ascent of the pay out on a screen. By game's end, in the 10's of thousands. Cough up Toronto.
15. Pizza for a year. The prize that will never be fully redeemed. No one is alive after Day 37 of a medium pepperoni pizza diet. One is stone dead, stiff, and cold.
16. Noise hangover.
17. Siege mentality. If you feel that Canadian football is in popular decline, you could bring under 30's to a game, wear your Argonauts gear (you do have Argonauts clothing, right?), throw an insane Grey Cup rager that takes Flashpoint-level interdiction to snuff out and do that every year. Perhaps you can fly an Argos flag on game days on your deck/porch/balcony/car window ($3.00 to $5.00 at Dollarama), buy season tickets, talk about CFL/Argos positively, patronize sports bars that screen away games, support Toronto's other teams with enthusiasm and good grace, listen to the games on Sirius , watch TSN, tune into TSN 1050, record other games to speed watch, and make your screams louder than everyone else in your row.
18. Did I list drum lines?